New beginnings...

Still feeling incredibly rough, but.... took a step in the right direction and began building my new website.. My-captured Images.... I am quietly excited about it.. just hope no one rings me and asks me to do something.. confidence still rock bottom.. but i'm working on it... Jian Wei so supportive - as hadnt really got a clue.. thanks also to Photography by Maxine from slough... she nudged me in the right direction..

Days..

What are days for?
Days are where we live..
They come, they wake us
Time and time over..
They are to be happy in:
Where can we live but days?

Time...

today is mei sim's 15th birthday... the presents are wrapped (late again .. I know.. I keep promising myself that i will be more organised and i will be.. this year is about new beginnings and changing the things i am not happy about and becoming the person i want to be)..
I am spending time doing nothing..... looking out of my window on life....

I am...

I am: yet what i am none cares or knows,
My friends forsake me like a memory lost;
I am the self consumer of my woes,
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
like shades in love and deaths oblivion lost;
And yet i am, and live with shadows tost

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neithersense of life nor joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;
And een the dearest - that i love best -
Are strange - nay, rather stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes where man has never trod;
A place where women never smiled or wept;
There to abide with my Creator, GOD,
And sleep as i in childhood, sweetly slept:
Untroubling and untroubled where i lie;
The grass below, above the vaulted sky.

When I loved myself enough..

I began leaving whatever wasnt healthy.. This meant people
jobs, my own beliefs and habits -
anything that kept me small. My
judgement called it
disloyal. Now I
see it as
self loving.

People..

Its been a funny few days... the children were fantastic.. presents, company and food.. they provided all in abundance... i am so lucky to have 3 such wonderful people to love and be loved..

I also have a few really good true friends ... the kind that never let you down and support you always..... I really appreciate them..

Some people remain true friends no matter the divide in distance, or time...

then there are the people that you know kind of.. from the places you go.. work colleagues, people who you socialize with..... these are the kind that can be friendly or not without warning and for no apparent reason....
I have trouble with this ...... i am never really sure why they behave in such a way... and it is not the done thing to actually ask... I know this because i have tried it.. you never really get to the bottom of it and it causes more trauma..

People... I will never truly understand them or be able to play their games.....

New Day..New Beginnings..

This just wont do.... life is still out there & i need to make it work for me some how some way... I know that i need to change my job.. it is literally killing me... I know i wont survive another 3 years, and the stress involved in getting there week in week out is not worth the money.

So ... what to do... I know that i dont want to work for anyone anymore..
I know that i am tired of working in a people industry....
I know i need to be quiet.....

So .. i am thinking .... if i sell up now .. i could take a massive leap into the unknown and start buying property..... 2 smaller houses to either rent or sell????
It is all a matter of risk... and yet everday i am risking my health and sanity and i know this is a much worse risk.....

watch this space......

Solitude.....

There were times today when i thought i wouldnt make it... that the whole responsibility is too much and my overwhelming thought was to run and keep on running....

The thought that keeps reverberating round in my head is....
I just want to be left alone...
but do I? ......
Life is overwhelming ... no time to stand and stare ... no time
to just be... to listen to life...
To what is is that i need.....
Life has slipped by......... this is it......
I long for solitude....
for the simple acts of living ..... of seeing light and shade...
of hearing ...... birdsong and life...
I feel like i am drowning in this artificial life of work..
impossible expectation... paperwork and artificial ..plastic relationships....
I long for solitude....
I need to find myself....
to be..........

Aquainted with the night.....

I have been aquainted with the night.
I have walked out in the rain, and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
when far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say goodbye;
And further still at an unearthly height
One luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither right nor wrong
I have been one aquainted with the night.
(Robin Frost)

Alone.....

when all is said and done we stand alone......with only our principles to hold firm and the knowledge that everything we do and say is known.. and we can only ever deceive ourselves.........

Sometimes....

sometimes things dont go, after all,
from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel
faces down frost, green thrives; the crops dont fail,
sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well.

A people sometimes will step back from war;
elect an honest man; decide they care
enough, that they cant leave some stranger poor.
Some men become what they were born for.

Sometimes our best efforts do not go
amiss; sometimes we do as we meant to.
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen: may it happen for you.
(Pugh)

spend sunday in the freezing cold sunshine taking pictures of horses....now my face is sun/wind burnt......

I want to escape..

I want to scream..... run ... stamp my feet..... had the day from hell with a small monority of students who make life a misery just for the sheer hell of it. They are rude, untruthful, arrogant nasty horrible girls...

Feel slightly better for actually verbalising that but i still want to leave and never go back.... it is torture everyday and i am definitely too old to put up with such behaviour.. Never did from my children and I love them so maybe would forgive them.

Teenage girls who are rude and nasty ... i dont think i can......

Trees and Dreams......

Outside.....

I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
with my eyes wide open
I've seen worlds that dont belong
My mouth is dry with words i cannot verbalise
Tell me why we live like this...........

I shall never be different....

Today I have worked and then spent time walking and thinking..... I guess this coming year may herald some changes in my life ... it already has and i think that this will be good..
for today tho..
it is enough to think......

These words somehow haunt me ... i keep coming back to them...

I cannot grow
I have no shadow
To run away from
I only play..

I cannot err
There is no creature
whom i belong to
Whom i could wrong

I am defeat
When it knows it
Can now do nothing
By suffering

All you lived through
Dancing because of you
No longer need it
For any deed

I shall never be
Different. Love me.
(Auden)

On Reflection.....

Life is full of Reflection ....... I want to take the time to reflect on my life and goals and ambitions...
Sometimes i think there is no time or space or quiet just to think for your thoughts and feelings to be heard..
Now is the time for me to listen, take heed and act......

Lazy days..

For me this has been a lazy day... children off to school and had the whole day to my self...
walked milly, cleaned and ironed.
Now I am tired of body but not of mind... the last week I have been exhausted both mentally and physically...Grey.. like the weather.. but today the sun shone and I feel ok.
J left to go back to london and we walked across the park together and talked... I miss him the most when he walks away..
The Park is flooded and it is both beautiful and sad...